No more "what ifs," I get it now. Too late to be sorry.
No regrets, right?

I wonder why I take to heart some of the things people tell me. I was educated in a system that made me believe I was a worthless piece of shit. And that's how I saw myself. I never saw myself as pretty because no one ever told me otherwise and because someone would tell me I was eating "unhealthily" when all they had to do was look in the mirror. I still get sick when I smell Pirate Booty or pork rinds...

"I lost 17 pounds this summer, when was the last time YOU stood on a scale?"

Now, I am told I am a genius - or at least "super smart". Is this true? Ever since attending Mills, I've been a Dean's List student. Is this really such a hard feat? I managed to skip a year of undergrad because of my high school. Do I deserve the credit? Should I take it for granted? What am I?

And since taking psychology, I've taken a couple personality tests, both resulting in INTJ categorizations. What does this all mean? Have I changed, or have I always been this way? Who am I?

Since the end of my longest and most recent relationship, I have felt like I don't know myself. Who is this person that everyone seems to be so impressed with? It's as if I look in the mirror and the girl I knew - the girl with perfect skin, calm, collected manner and no fashion sense - has been traded in for a different model. This short-haired, rough, tenacious, studious, guarded and empty woman has come to take her place.

Right now, there is an uncomfortable feeling of guilt in my chest... but I know I haven't done anything wrong. I also notice that where I used to think only of everyone else's happiness, I selfishly care only about my own safety... and by that I mean I don't want my feelings to get hurt again. Should I attempt to pursue my own happiness at the expense of others? Am I even capable of doing that... somehow, I doubt it... but I kind of wish I could...

Some people believe that when we make dramatic superficial changes such as dyeing their hair, getting a piercing or a tattoo, etc, it's to become someone we admire... but who is "she"? I don't think I admire "her". I admire the idea of her potential, but she's not exactly who I aspire to be... at least not now.

On the subject of aspirations, where am I headed? I few months ago, I had a clear vision of where I would travel. Now... I cannot take any steps without fearing the consequences. I have been hesitating, which I have never done. My reflexes may be dulled from my accident, but I shouldn't have slowed down this much. Should I continue on this new path where I know I cannot hold on or get attached to anyone, or is there something else? Something deeper?

Is there really such thing as trying too hard?

I never thought I could miss any one person so much. It's hard, but I feel as if they've died. The person I loved with all my heart is dead. The being that inhabits that body is not them. That is what saddens me the most. But I'm sure I'm not the only one. I need to be brave.

How much is too much on my plate? And why are all the lines blurred? Why do I have so many questions I cannot bring myself to ask?


These are the things on my mind.